Blasphemy with a Capital H

I should start this blog with a serious warning: If you are in any way religious and are offended by anyone not taking your religion seriously then DO NOT read this blog. This blog is extremely blasphemous, and just by reading it you are risking a one way trip to whatever hell you believe in, but at least I’ll be there to greet you on arrival, I’ll keep a beer cold for you.

I’m not in any way a religious man. I don’t believe in any gods, although I have invented a few. Even so, I am not opposed to the odd bit of theological thought, and recently I’ve found myself wondering where the ‘H’ in the popular profanity ‘Jesus H Christ’ comes from. What possible reason could anyone have for putting it there? I can’t imagine there has ever been a time when there were so many Jesus Christs kicking about the place that the biblical protagonist would need to be made to stand out by placing an extraneous H in his name.

“JESUS CHRIST!” somebody would profane.

“The butcher?” his friend would ask.

“The baker?” another would suggest.

“The table leg maker?” a third would interrupt.

“The table leg maker?” the others would say “His name’s Joseph you fool.”

“Sorry I got confused.” the interrupter would reply.

“No,” the original profaner would explain “I was referring to Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Saviour.”

“Oh!” the gathered group would say “If only there was some way to distinguish between all these damn Jesus Christs.” they’d all agree, as the butcher and baker – but not the table leg maker who’s name was Joseph – would come running along to see why they were called.

“Our Lord and Saviour is holy right?” a wise old fisherman, who up until this point had been hiding quietly in the shadows listening, would say “So why don’t we call him Jesus HOLY Christ, or ‘H’ for short?”

“You are indeed wise, old fisherman. That is what we shall do.” everyone would say, inexplicably in unison.

The above scenario may well have happened, but I doubt that that would have been the end of it. Sooner or later other Jesus Holy (‘H’ for short) Christs would’ve turned up, forcing another name to be added, and then another, and another, and so on until he’s got more names than an indecisive football fanatic's first born.

Maybe Jesus Christ was an experimental clone attempt. Jesus ‘H’ was a resounding success; practically perfect in every way, but before him there were several Jesus Christs that hadn’t quite worked. Jesus ‘A’ in a fit of teenage rebellion changed his name to Mohamed and ran off to start his own religion. Jesus ‘B’ turned out to be little more than a dribbling mass of practically brainless meat that would clap and laugh hysterically every time he farted. Although two thousand years later his descendents would go on to become somewhat successful in American politics. Jesus ‘C’ had the personality of an extremely bland potato, but for some reason was quite good at chasing a spherical object around a field. Jesus ‘D’ spontaneously combusted, leaving nothing more than a stain on a shroud. Jesus ‘E’ became the anti-Jesus, the evil twin that always crops up in these situations. Jesus ‘F’ spent his entire time preoccupied with copying his image into various inanimate objects, foodstuffs being his favourite. Jesus ‘G’ was perfect. Even more compassionate, considerate, intelligent and giving than Jesus ‘H’. In fact vastly superior to Jesus ‘H’ every aspect, except for a strange quirk of chromosomes which meant that he was a woman and therefore completely unsuitable.

It could just be that the ‘H’ was added to try and make him look cool. Christian churches are forever unsuccessfully trying to make their religion appear to be cool in a desperate attempt to attract a younger following. The problem is the centuries old methods of brainwashing and instilling fear, although still very much in use, are no longer enough to ensure a life long devotion. Now those pesky upstarts: science, logic, and common sense get in the way of a good indoctrination. On top of that, globalisation has increased the competition from other religions, many of which come with their own enticing brand of unquestionable dogma. Killing people for not believing in your chosen, or instilled, set of religious beliefs tends to be frowned upon nowadays as well. What used to be lovingly referred to as a wholly acceptable crusade, or inquisition, is now just known as genocide, or terrorism. And these are very negative words that just won’t do for a religious corporation to be associated with; it’s very bad for business. In the modern world of multi media and global enterprise, successful branding is all about being cool. All the religions are at it. Type “cool [any religion]” into a search engine and you’ll get hundreds of sites, blogs and forums dedicated to convincing you why that particular religion is so damn cool. Christians do seem to take it to a whole different level though, with Christian pop, rock, metal, and hip hop all trying, and failing dismally, to show how cool Christianity is. But of course Christians have already made Jesus Christ as cool as they can by referring to him as “JC”. Shoving an ‘H’ in the middle isn’t going to make it sound any cooler, but will make it sound like a fast food outlet... Jerked Hickory Chicken anyone?

There is a distinct possibility that the 'H' stands for horny. Jesus Christ is believed to have died sometime in his early thirties and it is also believed he died a virgin. If you consider that in biblical times, people started "begetting" each other when they were barely into their teens, this means Jesus had practically twenty years of pent up sexual frustration by the time he started preaching. Most men can hardly go twenty hours without some form of sexual release. Teenage boys can’t even manage to walk down the street without a hand down the front of their jogging pants, having a little fiddle. But of course, for Jesus, even spilling his seed was not an option. You can only conclude, what with the bible being smothered in sex, debauchery and prostitution, that Jesus Christ, smack bang in the middle of it all, was one hell of a horny bastard.

I think I should point out at this stage, in regard to the above paragraph, that I am parodying the simple, and often confused, version of biblical history that a vast number of people are lazily taught to believe. I am aware, firstly, that in all likelihood Jesus probably was married and definitely not a virgin. And secondly, that the “spilling seed on the ground” quote has got nothing to do with masturbation at all. The bible doesn’t actually give an opinion, one way or the other, on masturbation. As long as you don’t do it while coveting your neighbour’s ox.

I should also point out that I am fully aware of the actual theories of where the ‘H’ in Jesus H Christ came from, but that doesn’t stop me coming up with my own, and to be honest, I prefer mine.