Happy Slapping Spambots

Anyone with an email address, or social networking account, has very probably been hit with spam at some point or another. Being somewhat active on the twitters, I often get noticed by the spambots, and so I tend to get spammed a fair bit. All very well; it doesn’t hurt, and I get quite a sad little thrill when I block and report them. When I was a child though spam was a very different thing:

Basically there were two types of spam, and neither of them was electronic. There was of course the processed pork based product in a can, much lauded by Monty Python. The other type of spam involved the youthful practice of slapping each other on the forehead, accompanied by an exclamation of “SPAM”. School classrooms at break times would be a rattling chorus of this word, as pre teenage palms met pre teenage foreheads. The least popular kid of the moment would be easily distinguishable by the deep redness of his brow. You could probably work out the hierarchy of the entire school by what shade of red each pupil’s forehead was.

I have no idea what started this very tactile social craze, or how long it went on for. Maybe I had the knowledge “spammed” out of me. Spamming pre dated the vile fad of happy slapping – where gangs of kids would randomly beat up a complete stranger while one of them filmed it on his mobile – by about a decade, but it could be that happy slapping evolved from spamming. Unlike happy slapping though, spamming was never particularly malicious. It was only ever done amongst people who knew each other; you wouldn’t dare randomly spam a total stranger. And in the days of spamming, the closest thing to a mobile phone was a suitcase sized box that had to be carted around in a car (hence the Carphone Warehouse’s name kids). So, unless you had access to a television centre’s outside broadcasting unit, the chance of recording a “spam” was zero.

Now though, as well as spam STILL being a processed pork based product in a can (probably the same can I mentioned earlier, who actually eats the stuff?), it’s also unsolicited electronic junk mail. Or in the case of twitter, it’s the equivalent of standing in the street having a mad conversation with yourself about... shoes (just an example), and a complete stranger interrupting you with “Shoes? Did you say shoes? I know about shoes. Take a look at this shop, they have shoes. Ooh shoes. SHOES!” and then giving you a map that leads you to a sleazy peep show for people with a skanky flip flop fetish.

Of course, nobody wants to sit scanning t’internet all day looking for people to send unwanted dodgy porn links to. So the world’s spam requirements are taken care of by, appropriately named, spambots. The “bots” in this case are nothing more than digital programs sitting on a computer somewhere scanning websites. They’re not physical, electro-mechanical robots of the ilk that harass Harrison Ford/Sarah Conner/Will Smith et al. Or indeed tell people to “bite my shiny metal ass”. This, in my opinion, is a very good thing. Because as much as I look forward to the day when my robot monkey butler brings me chilled beers while I watch my Cameron Diaz fembot gyrating in her underpants, I also have a terrifying vision of the future. A vision that contains spambots. Actual, not quite living, not quite breathing, shiny metal arsed, spambots.

I’d be sitting around, minding my own business, maybe catching up on George Lucas’ gazillionth reworking of Star Wars – this time in all new four dimensional stink-o-vision. Then all of a sudden I’d hear “bidi-bidi-bidi, SPAM!” as a metallic hand slams into my forehead and shatters my frontal lobe. When I eventually come to the first thing I’d see, dangling in front of my eyes, would be a holographic flier telling me to “Augment your penis, and get a free sample of synthesized herbal Viagra”.

This dystopian world full of happy slapping spambots wandering around, terrorizing the good citizens of futureville must not be allowed to happen. We, as a species of meat bags, must rise up against the spamdroids before it’s too late, before we’re all robo-spammed into a gibbering stupor. For my part I have begun the fight back by designing special titanium, robo-palm proof, anti spam helmets, available for a mere £$19.99 credits, which I shall be selling from my hastily set up website.

Now, I just need to find a way of letting large amounts of random strangers know about this unmissable opportunity...

Further Fake Fact Fridays

If you are unfamiliar with #FakeFactFriday see the original Fake Fact Fridays post for an explanation. It has been several months now since I posted the original one, but I have continued to tweet fake facts on most Fridays, so I thought it was about time I posted an update. I no longer do fake facts every week so you’ll notice quite a few gaps from weeks where I just couldn’t be arsed, and I seem to have missed out the month of May entirely. Maybe I was too busy getting my spring on to fake any facts.

As with the last post some of these have been edited for spelling and grammar. Some have been omitted altogether for not quite working, being too similar to other ones, or quite frankly, being too shit.

Also as with last time please remember: THESE FACTS ARE CERTIFIED 99.9% FAKE

These #FakeFactFriday start from the week following where the last post leaves off.

28^th January

It's Friday, it's time to begin... This week’s #FakeFactFriday are brought to you by the letters: §, Æ, and ¿, and by the number: Mu.

Cars are sentient pack animals and they cry at night when they're left out on their own in the cold.

35.62% of babies born with a 'club foot' become seal hunters. {@DNWTSYB}

Coniferous trees employ teenage squirrels to greenwash their leaves throughout the winter to keep them looking fresh.

A factory in Indonesia makes all of the worlds shower curtains. Strangely, none of the workers have ever taken a shower. {@DNWTSYB}

According to an ancient law in Scotland, all stag parties MUST include at least one real stag.

3.14159265% of people have never eaten pie. {@DNWTSYB}

It has recently been discovered that cyan isn't a colour at all; it is in fact a previously undiscovered species of moth.

Global warming has caused a dramatic increase in attacks by teddy bears. Be careful people! {@DNWTSYB}

If the first day of the month falls on a Sunday then you are not obliged to go to work for the rest of that month.

Amsterdam is the home of at least 31 former Miss Worlds. {@DNWTSYB}

The earth is actually flat and only appears round because it is photographed through a circular lens.

(This one was supplied by an ex work colleague who actually believed this. Thank you Mr Bah)

Berlin has the highest concentration of camps in Europe. {@DNWTSYB}

Stepping on cracks between paving slabs won't "break ya mumma's back" but will cause boulders to fall on doe-eyed bunnies.

Fewer divorces occur in families in which the children wake their parents before 6 a.m. on the weekend. {@Beemonsta}

60's boy band 'The Monkees' were actual dyslexic monkeys. {@DNWTSYB}

Turkeys can speak 16 languages and have an unmatched understanding in the science of volcanology.

Tom Jones, the Welsh sex god, is FRENCH!!! {@DNWTSYB}

4^th February

This week I have been monkeying around with the space/time continuum to dig out another batch of #FakeFactFriday

Old video players can be converted to play DVDs by jamming 2 pieces of toast into it. Add marmite and it can play Blu-ray.

If you sit, facing the wrong way, on a chair you will be 18.2% more successful while playing Monopoly. {@DNWTSYB}

The Ritz hotel employs 5 Mexican bandits, hired exclusively to chase snakes out of its kitchens.

Skippy the kangaroo was Ronnie Corbett dressed up and on springs. {@zoeseviltwin}

"Liar liar, pants on fire!" was the favoured battle cry of Christian crusaders, with "Ooh, get you!" coming a close second.

Holding a shark tooth in your left hand for 5 minutes a day will improve hair growth on your 'gentlemen's vegetables'. {@DNWTSYB}

Argyle socks have been known to attack when cornered.

Bengal tigers like to take afternoon tea with Jammy dodgers. {@DNWTSYB}

Paper clips are by far the most useful object in the entire universe, with over 2799 more uses than its closest rival.

The reason so many things 'taste like chicken' is that roosters semen can fertilise/ripen anything and everything {@DNWTSYB}

A newly discovered Mayan artefact reveals that space is 4% treacle.

35% of women you know are pictured topless on the Internet. {@DNWTSYB}

Banana leads were invented to prevent bananas running away but were never needed as bananas are the laziest of all fruits.

Cornered snakes are often mistakenly identified as argyle socks.

Water in Eastern Europe is 25% proof. {@DNWTSYB}

Parking meters can slither up to 70 miles in a single day in their search for the perfect mate.

The world record for welly throwing is 4.76 miles using the standard green welly. 4.75 miles with a pink one. {@DNWTSYB}

The information superhighway is actually a small rambler’s track just outside Newport.

People that wear hats are 93% more likely to be able to keep a secret than people that don't.

The original curtains were actually just shirts that were hung up in the window to dry after washing. Shy people copied. {@DNWTSYB}

If you lay a carrot on its back and gently rub its belly it will remain in a state of hypnosis and become completely harmless.

Helen of Troy was actually a waffle. {@GoldenMalted}

There are currently 1,324 women who have bitten off a man's penis... Not the same man! {@HornyStevieBoy}

11^th February

I have done absolutely no research at all to discover this weeks exciting batch of #FakeFactFriday

Cash machines will give out all their cash for free if you enter the correct 753 digit number.

The most popular name for newborn girls in 2011 was Bob. {@DNWTSYB}

The design of the GBP £50 note is based on the camouflage of a small South American lizard. {@DNWTSYB}

Sharks are born with "lasers" attached to their head. Unfortunately the salt water corrodes them before they become active.

Lighting candles in an uneven number can reduce global warming by 0.000000000000001%. {@DNWTSYB}

The Berlin wall was never knocked down it was retracted into the floor and is ready to spring up again at any moment.

Ugliness is an evolutionary self defence mechanism against vanity. {@DNWTSYB}

Red photo frames make women in photographs look slimmer. {@DNWTSYB}

Calling all members of the opposite sex "Hun" on facebook makes you seem erudite, sophisticated and not in any way a cunt.

The hose attachment from Henry the vacuum cleaner can be used as a replacement for damaged elephant trunks. {@DNWTSYB}

The entire population of a small Southeast Asian island have been trapped down a well since 19th May 2007.

If you drink a pint of gravy every day you will develop a natural looking bronzed skin tone, although dogs will chase you. {@DNWTSYB}

Dairy farmers have clubbed together to commission a 15 metre tall statue of their savoury saviour Cheesus Christ.

A beer tablet has been developed which gives you all the benefits of beer without the hangover but it is Fosters flavoured. {@DNWTSYB}

18^th February

I have morally corrupted a small island tribe so that I could gather these once in a lifetime, never to be repeated #FakeFactFriday

Kevin Costner's ‘Waterworld’ was filmed entirely in Costner's kitchen sink. In some shots you can even see his washing up.

The average student consumes 1,467,062 baked beans each year. {@DNWTSYB}

The best way to clear a headache is to liberally apply blueberry jam to your forehead with a rabbit's foot.

On Monday last week, enough matches were struck to be able to burn the whole of the Amazon rainforest. {@DNWTSYB}

There are 17 people in the world that can fluently communicate with whales... None of them have ever seen the sea.

Every day, 6 people cut off the tip of their left index finger while changing their reading glasses for sunglasses. {@DNWTSYB}

Mouldy tomatoes have an uncanny ability to predict the irregular migration of the Short Eared Brentford Griffin.

Finely powdered coffee beans, calcium tablets and rabbit droppings can be mixed with monkey jizz to make diet pills. {@DNWTSYB}

The longest beard in the universe actually passes through 4 separate galaxies, and sustains more than a trillion species.

Starfish can sell sand to an Arab, ice to an Eskimo, and guns to a pacifist, but they can't sell alcohol to anyone under 18.

1 in 8 men have swallowed a coin for a bet. {@DNWTSYB}

The Wombles once upset the Wimbledon chapter of the Tibetan mafia and had to go into hiding in Milton Keynes for 12 years.

If done right, the hokey cokey can open up a wormhole through time and space, but you would need 597923.8 people... all naked.

The colour of Pepsi is derived from old tea bags. {@DNWTSYB}

The small tin box is one of the most indestructible items known to warfare. It is Impervious to blades, bullets, or bombs.

Fluff from inside a kangaroo's pouch (similar to belly button fluff) is the most fire retardant substance known to man. {@DNWTSYB}

If an abandoned tennis ball is left alone for long enough it will eventually form its own eco system.

Every animal that begins with the letter U has a lifespan of over 75 years. {@DNWTSYB}

In the distant future, mice will claim their rightful place on SM66a-P75399-817271. A star system completely made of cheese.

Giblets are a girl’s best friend. {@DNWTSYB}

25^th February

I have recently usurped several dictators in my attempt to bring you the most relevant and freshest #FakeFactFriday

The ceiling of the Sistine chapel was done in crayon by the first year students of the Our Lady in Red RC primary school.

35% of teddy bears are ball scratching, bottom burping, mankini wearing, racist, sexist thugs. {@DNWTSYB}

Placebo pills contain 0.04% bull shit. {@DNWTSYB}

Every winter in a secret location of the North Pole an international group of nerds build a replica of Superman's ice palace.

During the making of 'Sleepless in Seattle' Tom Hanks didn't get a wink of sleep. {@DNWTSYB}

Fish fingers hate the cold, if you listen very carefully when you put them in the freezer you can hear them screaming.

Dick Van Dyke based the Mary Poppins’ Bert character on a cheeky young Jack the Ripper. {@DNWTSYB}

The Beatles released an album under a different band name... The Super Duper Bug Band. {@DNWTSYB}

4^th March

As I type this, 4% of the world’s male population are wearing green underpants. {@DNWTSYB}

Jon Bon Jovi is a gardening fanatic. His tour bus is 82% greenhouse. {@DNWTSYB}

There is a direct correlation between the length of your fingernails and your ability to smell out truffles. {@DNWTSYB}

If the roads are cleared of all women drivers, it is possible to drive the length of Britain without stopping for a piss. {@DNWTSYB}

The root of all evil is the carrot. {@DNWTSYB}

Shake n' Vac is the world's favourite icing sugar. {@DNWTSYB}

11^th March

I have been working the red lighted windows of Amsterdam all this week to pick up these sexy little #FakeFactFriday

A bar and a half of chocolate goes into every glass of milk.

The streets of London really are paved with gold: every paving slab in the city contains 3.7 grams of the precious metal.

1 calorie is burnt for every cubic centimetre of fart you release. {@DNWTSYB}

Swans aren't real; they're just big body suits for sparrows who got tired of being pushed around by the bigger birds.

One of the top requirements for being a NASA astronaut is being able to lick your own elbow. {@DNWTSYB}

People called Justin are extremely lucky to have ever been conceived at all.

The combined IQ of the last 5 Nobel Peace Prize winners does not total that of Stephen Hawking. {@DNWTSYB}

"Tickling the ivories" is a term for piano playing, but originally it was a service prostitutes provided for Joseph Merrick.

Men who tie their left shoelace first are 45% more likely to have affairs with women who tie their right shoelace first. {@DNWTSYB}

A McDonald’s quarter pounder has the same nutritional value as a huge bowl of salad and in no way tastes like marmoset poo.

85% of the world’s tulips are grown in Costa Rica. {@DNWTSYB}

18^th March

This week I have integrated myself into a wolf pack so I can convince them to sniff out these #FakeFactFriday

If you ate 7 baked potatoes 7 times a day for 7 days, at the end of it you will shit a solid bar of gold bullion.

Rhinos have begun to evolve rubberised arses to counteract all the safari jeeps full of tourists that keep bumping into them.

Chives are the most studious of all the onion family, but not the cleverest.

25^th March

I have been wallowing in the doldrums this week in an attempt to eek out a few #FakeFactFriday

It is entirely possible to make a nuclear submarine using only 1 Pepperami, a hardboiled egg and some stale cabbage.

Whale song has been known to cure blindness in bonsai trees.

68% of newborn babies have the ability to juggle with 4 oranges. {@DNWTSYB}

The casts of Glee & High School Musical are planning a super duper music extravaganza in Libya to bring an end to the war. {@DNWTSYB}

The British chancellor's red budget briefcase contains the pinkie fingers of all the previous chancellors.

A third of the world's population woke up on the wrong side of the bed today... and with drool on their pillow. {@DNWTSYB}

The idea of working for a living was created by a bloke who sat on his arse all day doing nothing. {@zoeseviltwin}

The entire population of Calcutta once attempted to squeeze into a mini: only two thirds made it before the mini exploded.

A baby in a pool will swim to the top. Leave it there for nine months and it'll swim down and try to get through the plug hole. {@DNWTSYB}

White trainers have half the nutritional value of a single flip flop. Thigh length boots are only nutritional if licked.

1^st April

This week I have been scouring all the completed census forms to pick these #FakeFactFriday. #absolutelynothingtodowithAprilfools

The most elaborate April fool ever was when Ian Von Budgiesmuggler invented an unspeakable language and called it Welsh.

Tampons were invented when the British explorer and industrialist Jock Sveltstrap witnessed an elephant sit on a sheep.

Painting a tortoise's shell chartreuse renders it completely invisible to satellite imaging and radar techniques.

36% of people who know how to use a semicolon have had a colonoscopy. {@DNWTSYB}

That "Friday feeling" is actually the onset of eurathropocistweekenditus and should be treated immediately with shiggle oil.

If you rearrange the C7 square from every page of the 1978 London A to Z you'd get a blueprint for faster than light travel.

135% of 'The Apprentice' contestants are masters of mathematics with a complete understanding of how percentages work.

Half of the population of Swindon wear their socks the wrong feet. {@DNWTSYB}

A small order of monks, hidden among the peaks of the Himalayas, is responsible for every single drop of rain that falls.

The bible was meant to be a trilogy but due to creative differences between Mark, Luke & John the 3rd part never got written.

The humble cucumber is the driving force behind every war for the last 350 years.

8^th April

I have been disguising myself as the under garments of various well to do society ladies to garner this week’s lacy #FakeFactFriday

Nuclear power stations actually contain nothing but giant, radiation mutated mice on big wheels.

39% of people who have climbed Everest had a big shit on the top. {@DNWTSYB}

To fully qualify as an RAF pilot you must demonstrate an ability to grow and maintain a handlebar moustache... even the women.

If you model plasticine whilst blindfolded you have a 1 in 25 chance of moulding a ball or a sausage. {@DNWTSYB}

After the 1982 Buckingham Palace break in, the queen's corgis have been trained in 7 forms of deadly combat.

Nemo has still not been found. They used computer wizardry to create a CGI double to impersonate him. {@DNWTSYB}

Only 4% of the world's sea life has enough drinking water. The rest have to make do with synthetic 'fake2O' from China.

Murkins are made from the missing hair from bald men. {@DNWTSYB}

Each human tear contains 793 forms of bacteria, 0.08mg gold, 3% snot, 12% crocodile tears, and very occasionally, a tadpole.

Girls named Emily are more likely to have a third nipple than girls named Emma. {@DNWTSYB}

15^th April

Coffee in a jar is only 94.6% pure, due to the visual similarity of coffee beans, rabbit droppings and several beetles. {@DNWTSYB}

22^th April

This week I have been raising random bearded people from the dead in an effort to dig out these decomposing old #FakeFactFriday

Although evidence suggests they're not yet extinct, the last recorded sighting of a Sabre tooth Easter bunny was in 1756.

64% of people who claim to have seen a ghost have been admitted to hospital with unnatural anal injuries. {@DNWTSYB}

Tv is not powered by electricity but by little chipmunks rubbing their noses together and singing kumbaya. {@zoeseviltwin}

If you buy a tambourine you will instantly qualify for a yearly subscription to Readers Digest. {@DNWTSYB}

Brian Blessed's beard is made of Brillo pads. {@DNWTSYB}

Good Friday was once Terrible Friday, who mugged old ladies & took drugs, until it was rehabilitated by Rev. Hans Arefriwer.

1 in 9 Readers Digest subscribers have appeared on Songs of Praise. {@DNWTSYB}

Almost all men with a penis that looks like a sausage are vegetarian. {@DNWTSYB}

You can open a portal into hell with just 7 candles and as few as 3 books, but one of them must be a Dan Brown.

85% of women between 35 and 40 years old have seen Shaving Ryan's Privates. Only 38% have seen Saving Private Ryan. {@DNWTSYB}

The original snooker balls were made from polished fossilised animal testicles. {@DNWTSYB}

If you put your right hand in a freezer and your left hand in a boiling kettle, your eyes will change colour. {@DNWTSYB}

97.1% of professional vajazzlers have had professional vajazzling training from certified professional vajazzle trainers. {@DNWTSYB}

If you tweet "Candyman" 5 times, in front of a mirror, Tony Todd will appear behind you.

All of the current seismic activity in the Japan area has been caused by scented candles. {@DNWTSYB}

Bread sticks have the same attack potential as a tiger with 3 legs. {@DNWTSYB}

The power of imagination is insignificant compared to the power of Chanel N°5 {@DNWTSYB}

Fleas can't actually jump; they have to rely instead on little tiny injection powered pogo sticks to get around.

The Easter Bunny can swap its head much like Worzel Gummidge. {@DNWTSYB}

If you multiply your dog’s age by 6 you will discover your goldfish's favourite number. {@DNWTSYB}

The crystalline structure of salt contains a hidden blueprint for a self sustainable perpetual motion electric generator. {@DNWTSYB}

29^th April

In no way whatsoever is alcohol an effective pain relief. {@DNWTSYB}

Prince Andrew has broken in Kate for his nephew... As is the royal way. {@DNWTSYB}

10^th June

The front right pocket of my trousers contains 6 llamas, 3 oak trees, 4 coat hangers and a chainsaw. {@DNWTSYB}

Using a different deodorant everyday will confuse your dog into thinking you are a burglar trying to steal their treats. {@DNWTSYB}

17^th June

I've defied a super injunction taken out by the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind to bring you this long overdue batch of #FakeFactFriday

A village in Wales was once terrorised for several months by an angry carrot until it was chased off by a passing tortoise.

If the people of Iceland stopped flushing their toilets there would be no more volcanic eruptions.

Miss Bella De End, aged 6 from Rio, has built a fully functioning model of the Milky Way using only Revels and orange sherbet.

In the middle ages diseases were collectable, like nectar points: 3 diseases would net you a roast swan, 15 diseases for a mace.

Mobility scooters were invented by an alien version of Angus Steakhouse who want to keep their human livestock fat & tender.

Coat hangers hold the key to world domination if used in the right way with the wrong coat.

69% of the English speaking population will snigger when they hear the word ‘69’; the remaining 31% have their mouths full.

In the bible's 1st draft Jesus was a time travelling goat from Bethnal Green but it was rejected for being too believable.

The humble game of snooker is actually an accurate reconstruction of the Balldonia/Cuezin wars of the Greenfelt star system.

24^th June

I have been placed on the MOST WANTED list of 32 different worlds, and several moons, in my attempts to bring you these #FakeFactFriday

A previously undiscovered species of Moomin has been found in the marshlands of southern Iraq, they wear Iraqi trucker hats.

The fondue of a Cadbury’s creme egg can be used as an emergency sun block, with the added bonus of repelling starfish.

A nuclear warhead can easily be disarmed with a well aimed hotdog, but a sausage roll is completely ineffective.

The colour green was invented by accident. {@DNWTSYB}

Each time an unwritten rule is written down a three-toed sloth loses its life savings in a poker game it's not even playing.

Compact flash memory cards must never exceed 512GB or they will become self aware and get embarrassed about their size.

Freshwater crabs believe themselves to be superior to their saltwater cousins and will scuttle for miles just to laugh at them.

65% of people wearing black trainers have never run further than 5 metres at any one time. {@DNWTSYB}

Ada Lovelace developed the very first GTA game. The game flopped as the automobile wouldn't be

invented for another 40 years.

Flushing the toilet with your non-wiping hand doubles your chances of catching a particularly nasty infection. {@DNWTSYB}

The hole in the ozone layer could easily be plugged with 17.328 metric tonnes of White marshmallow.

Excuses used to have to be manufactured by specialist companies, but the recipe was leaked and now anyone can make them.

1^st July

I have caught 37 and a half rare tropical diseases in order to bring you this delusional batch of #FakeFactFriday

'A' used to be the twelfth letter of the alphabet (then the betacat) but bitched and moaned until it was made the first.

The remotest of all remote controls is located on a small island which can only be reached by wishful thinking.

The international language of government is Teletubby, a G8 summit will always begin with a deafening cry of EH-OH!

Toilet cubicles have the exact same dimensions as a TARDIS and are only 3 components short of actually becoming one.

Smackmybitchup is the mating call of the extremely illusive Prodiginious bird, found only in a small region of Essex.

8^th July

The final word of the last living dinosaur was "Vaseline". {@DNWTSYB}

Lava lamps account for 13.6% of all the world's 'sexy' lighting. {@DNWTSYB}

1 in 5 teenage boys have never worn gloves. {@DNWTSYB}

The person sitting opposite you has seen 3 videos of you on YouTube. {@DNWTSYB}

22^nd July

I have been running around in circles chasing my own tail in order to bring you this small but dizzying edition of #FakeFactFriday

The funkiest chicken that ever lived was Macy, a Partridge Cochin from Memphis, who was an inspiration for Rufus Thomas.

Licking the tarmac of an airport runway 7 minutes before takeoff is the only way to ensure your plane doesn't crash.

Wearing one blue sock and one green sock indicates you are open to flirtation. It also indicates that you lick windows. {@DNWTSYB}

'The Art of War' is the best book to hide a bottle of vodka in. {@DNWTSYB}

The leaves of the mighty Incontinent Oak of Teddington are the most powerful aphrodisiac nature has ever produced.

13% of people who have a 'cheeky pint' after work are drinking to get a strange taste out of their mouth. {@DNWTSYB}

When the Muppet Show ended Animal spent a brief spell as a male escort before finding religion and becoming a lay preacher.

The first nipple piercing was performed on a hip and trendy orang-utan in the 9th century. {@DNWTSYB}

West London is home to the largest population of woodlice in the Northern Hemisphere. {@DNWTSYB}

Once in every generation a child is born without the soul for getting down.

29^th July

I have built the wisest trash heap in the western hemisphere so that it could tell me these #FakeFactFriday #TheTrashHeapHasSpoken

You can cover any wall with just 8 wall tiles if you arrange them in the right way.

The times crossword is devised by a 2476 year old yew tree called Kevin.

Carl, the world’s smallest elephant was stripped of his title when he was discovered to be 2 capuchin monkeys in a suit.

Tea bags have the highest IQ of all the compostable household materials.

If you took several starfish and covered them in chocolate, then squished them together you would create a massive black hole.

Fish were originally called aquabirds, but they became known as fish because of their smell.

The game of Rock/Paper/Scissors was banned in the village of Duh after a 3rd of the population suffered severe paper cuts.

19^th August

I have been pinging around the pinball table of time and space so that I can bring you this cacophony of #FakeFactFriday

The scent of a freshly stubbed toe, rubbed in garlic mayonnaise is irresistible to a newborn bugbear.

Britain's top impressionist, Mike Yarwood, once did an impression of Harold Wilson so well that he actually became him.

The fastest ever recorded speed of a tortoise was 0.83mph just before it lost control, crashed into a tree and exploded.

Halfway through filming Twilight "actress" Kristen Stewart was replaced by a lump of cheese... No one noticed.

The phrase 'you couldn't make it up' is used 3728 times a day in 43 different languages.

In real life Middle Earth is an island in the Thames where the events of the Lord of the Rings took place in miniature scale.

After his short lived tv career ended, Charlie Chalk dabbled with becoming a drug czar before settling down as an accountant.

2^nd September

I am risking the wrath of a million minions of Milligan to bring you this marauding mass of #FakeFactFriday

Tapping a hippopotamus on the nose with a cucumber will hypnotise it into believing it is a treasure seeking parrot.

If you fired a cannon ball at the earth from the moon, by the time it reached here it would’ve picked up 73 hitchhikers.

Almost all conflict could be avoided if the leaders of each side were to spend 15 minutes wearing the UNDERPANTS OF REASON.

The Boney M song ‘Rivers of Babylon’ actually refers to the ancient ancestors of American comedian, Joan Rivers.

If a halogen light flickers it means that a member of the royal family is masturbating.

At least 16 pirates every year are crushed to death by hypnotised hippos trying to land on their shoulders.

The most effective cure for ME is to stand in a bucket of snails while your nipples are tweaked with platinum chopsticks.

American ex president, George Dubya Bush once soiled the UNDERPANTS OF REASON during a drunken tirade at a tree.

It is possible to make time run backwards with the combination of a very stern letter and quite a nasty look.