Birthday Present

At some point in 1998, quite early on I believe, I made a decision. I decided that I would never spend another birthday in England, the country I call home, again. There were two main reasons for me suddenly coming to this decision: one was that I had just returned from several months backpacking, mainly around India, and I’d enjoyed this experience so much I wanted to make sure that whatever happens in my life I would always be guaranteed at least one trip abroad every year. I could of course, just make sure that I took a foreign holiday every year. After all many other people manage to do it, but I have a unusually large procrastination gland (it’s a real part of the body, located just below the meh bone), I therefore prefer not to even think about things until I really, really have to, and let’s face it, no matter how much we all like to think we do, nobody actually really has to take a holiday. So setting myself this annual deadline meant that I was less likely to put it off, or miss it out completely. This turned out to be a good decision, as my procrastinatory indulgences, combined with a sense of ‘I really can’t be that arsed with it’ have, on a couple of occasions, almost resulted in a stay at home birthday, and it was only a reluctance to break my own tradition that I ended up going away at all.

As I said at the beginning though, there were two reasons for me wanting to escape to other countries on my birthdays, and that second reason kind of boils down to the fact that I don’t particularly enjoy birthdays. I (mostly) dread being the centre of attention, I just become overly self conscious and uncomfortable, and feel like a caged animal... who’s on fire... and sweaty. I get pissed off with the social pressure that dictates you “have to do something special, it’s your birthday, don’t be so boring”, although conversely, I have ended up making my birthdays quite special in my attempt to avoid them.

I despise the whole idea of cards, to me they are a waste of money and resources, they clutter up every available space they can find for a week or two, making the place look untidy, and then they end up in the recycling pile, or even worse, the rubbish bin. Saying all that though, and contrary to what I strongly, and quite often loudly, lead people to believe, I’m not actually opposed to all cards, sometimes a card can be a priceless treasure, it’s normally one that is completely unexpected, there isn’t a special occasion for it, and it will always have more than just the ‘to you from me’ type message. In fact they’re more like a personal letter, only written inside a card.  Those cards actually mean something, I do have a couple of those cards, which I do treasure, and I will very probably keep them forever.

But the thing about birthdays that really grinds my overly ground goat are presents. I don’t like birthday presents, which I know sounds ridiculous, and frankly unbelievable, but it’s true. It’s the same for Christmas; in fact Christmas is probably even worse. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I’m an absolutely atrocious liar, so I find it very difficult to act believably grateful if I receive some hastily bought tacky piece of tat that someone with little to no taste has decided to bestow upon me. Ok I admit that’s not really fair, most birthday presents these days aren’t particularly tacky or tat, and some have even had a bit of thought go into them, but they are still never the less things that you don’t really need or want; I’ve had a copy of Al Green’s autobiography, Take Me to the River, sitting in my ‘unread’ pile of books so long now that the layer of dust on it is almost thicker than the actual book. It was a very thoughtful present; the person who bought it for me knew I loved Al Green’s music, so obviously assumed I’d be interested in reading about his life... I’m not. I don’t care in the slightest about Al Green’s personal life or that of any other celebrity, I’m really not a fan of autobiographies at all, but the person who bought it for me didn’t know this particular piece of information about me.

And therein lies the problem; we all have thousands of little foibles, likes and dislikes that even our closest friends don’t know about, so what chance does your partner’s brother’s wife have when choosing a birthday present for you? And thus we all end up amassing a collection of thoughtful but useless tat that could fill a small ‘I Don’t Know What to Do with This Now’ museum. At my current workplace there’s a tradition of having a small collection for each person’s birthday to buy them a card and a small gift, which has so far always been alcohol in some form or another. Despite my unorthodox views on the whole birthday card/present shenanigans I keep quiet and go along with it, they already think I’m weird enough without giving them another stick to beat me with. The card goes straight into the recycling and, as I rarely drink at home, the booze, up until now a bottle of spirits, joins the slowly growing collection of unopened bottles in a hidden corner of my kitchen. This ever increasing collection will come in handy if I lose access to the internet and instead of posting blogs I have to go the traditional route of getting drunk on street corners and shouting my incoherent rants at the world in general. This method might at least reach a wider audience.

This year however I arrived at work one morning to find a twenty can box of Fffffeuuw... Fffossssstyeurgh... Ffffffffffckackaaack... of a cheap and weak Australian lager favoured by students, that I can’t even bring myself to name, let alone pour the foul stuff down my gullet. I appreciate the attempt but there was no way in hell that I was ever going to drink it. My ever helpful and self sacrificing sister eventually took them off my hands after they had sat under my workbench for about a month, for which I got a lift home from work, so it works out that in the end what my colleagues actually bought me was a lift home. Thanks guys.

Even if the present is something fantastic that I’ve always wanted, my shyness, over pronounced English reserve, odd personality, or whatever it is, makes me come across as somewhat underwhelmed, no matter how much I like the gift presented to me, and I can see the disappointment in the giver’s face, then I feel guilty about it. I have tried to avoid both this, and the unbelievable lie scenarios by attempting to wait until I am safely alone before opening any present given to me, but of course part of the pleasure of giving presents is seeing the surprised/joyous reaction on the receivers face, so I will be encouraged by the giver to open it there and then, leaving me destined to cause disappointment in people who, quite often, I care about.

Like the cards though it’s not all presents I have a problem with, it’s just the birthday/Christmas socially brainwashed ‘expected because it’s an occasion for getting presents’ type presents that annoy me. If you’re out and about and you see the robot monkey butler that you know your friend has been looking for, but for some reason hasn’t been able to find, or afford, and you decide to buy it for them, even though it’s nowhere near their birthday, or Christmas, just because you want to and it would be a nice thing to do, then that’s all well and good, you are a fine, thoughtful friend...  If you decide to hang onto that item though, so you can wrap it up in colourful paper, stick a bow on it and ceremonially present it to them on a more traditional present giving occasion, then you run the risk that either they, or someone else has already obtained the item. I have two identical pairs of cufflinks because I’d mentioned, in conversation, to two different people, my girlfriend and a work colleague, that I was looking for a particular design of cufflinks. My girlfriend had gone out and bought a pair for me but decided to hold on to them and give them to give to me as a Christmas present. My work colleague had also seen a pair and decided to get them for me as a leaving present (I was due to leave work just before Christmas). My girlfriend was a little pissed off when I came home and showed her the fantastic present my work colleague had given me.

Presents would be a far more generous and thoughtful concept if we just abolished birthdays, Christmas, Hanukah, mother’s day, father’s day, Valentines day, and whatever else consumerism can come up with to keep the wheels of capitalism turning day gifts, and just bought them because we could. Because we found something that was just perfect. Because we cared...  Oh and by the way, just so you know; I really would love that robot monkey butler.

Fake Fact Fridays

This post, like the last one, is based on some of my twitter activity. Now, as any tweeters reading this will know, there is a way of indicating a theme on twitter known as hash tags. Anyone can make up a hash tag without fear of copyright or ridicule, and on the momentous morning of the 5^th November 2010 I did this very act by announcing in a tweet “As it's Friday I will be exclusively eating Crunchies and making up fake facts”. I then spent the rest of the day thinking up the promised fake facts and posting them on twitter with the hash tag #FakeFactFriday. I enjoyed thinking up these absurd falsities so much that I decided to carry on this particular hash tag every Friday, and I would start each batch with an announcement equally as absurd as the fake facts that were to follow.

On the second week, my friend, and sometime twitter sparring partner @DNWTSYB joined in with some fake facts of his own, and a new tradition was born. On occasion a couple of other friends even contribute a fake fact or two.

So, to the point of this post: One Friday whilst trying to think up a new fake fact, it struck me that the chances are at some point I’m going to repeat a fact purely by chance, and it so happens, at the time I was also considering what my next blog post would be, the two thoughts flirted for a bit, went out for a meal, eventually got together, and this is the joyous result.

A couple of last notes before I commence:

All these tweets originally had the hash tag #FakeFactFriday but I have removed them here, apart from the opening announcement tweet for each week.

Where the fake fact has been contributed by someone else I have asked their permission to use it here and credited them, using their twitter name after each fake fact in curly brackets. (If there’s no credit it’s one of mine).

Some of these have been edited for spelling and grammar (needed due to the character limit on twitter), and some have been omitted altogether because they didn’t quite work, are too similar to other ones, or quite frankly they were shit. But there are still a hell of a lot here, this is going to be a long one... Sorry.

REMEMBER: ALL THESE FACTS ARE CERTIFIED 99.9% FAKE

5^th November

Cows lay bottles of milk like chickens lay eggs. Cows that lay cartons are fed inferior grass.

When chimpanzees aren't being watched they wear monocles, smoke pipes and quote lines from Seinfeld.

If you drilled to the centre of any planet you will find an aniseed. All planets are just giant aniseed balls.

Blue Smarties are actually the advance wave of an alien invasion force from Muyarzz.

An average of 38 people a year are admitted to A&E after shitting themselves inside out by straining too hard.

Every washing machine on the planet is linked by a microscopic wormhole which is created when they go into their spin cycle.

Porcupines share 98% of their DNA with marshmallows.

The entire universe is located inside a space ferret's unwashed pants.

It is possible to make a tomato sing "Greensleeves" by applying just the right pressure to its nipple.

12^th November

It's Friday. It's time for some fake facts. I have scoured the globe at huge personal expense to bring you these #FakeFactFriday

The football world cup is actually carved from 950 year old cheese.

Bananas are neither herb or fruit. They are in fact a land based fish. {@DNWTSYB}

Contrary to popular belief vampires are only 0.5mm tall and can turn into midges not bats.

Oranges are colourblind. {@DNWTSYB}

If you wear your wrist watch upside down, time goes backwards. {@DNWTSYB}

When the sun thinks no one is looking it moons all the planets apart from Jupiter which it is scared of.

There are 3 undiscovered countries still to be discovered. {@DNWTSYB}

Jesus was a hairdresser but pretended to be a carpenter to stop his mates calling him gay. (Jesus WAS gay)

Speedos make fat old men VERY attractive to girls in their early twenties. {@DNWTSYB}

Pigs are fantastic artists but can only draw pictures of Mohammed, hence their unpopularity.

As the name suggests Germany is made entirely of germanium making it the most valuable country in the world.

Pork chops are great for use in nuclear fusion... But NOT fission. Nobody knows why! {@DNWTSYB}

The word CUNT derives from a nasty ancient Roman land owner called Totalis Cuntus... Needless to say what people called him! {@DNWTSYB}

Spreadable butter was discovered by accident during a swinger’s orgy. It took 3 months to work out the body fluids needed. {@DNWTSYB}

If you stand on one leg and repeatedly chant 'two legs are for wimps' you will grow a third leg... maybe even a fourth! {@DNWTSYB}

19^th November

Right, so, fake facts. I have spent the entire week sitting on walls disguised as a fly to obtain this week’s batch of #FakeFactFriday

Cows were originally made from quorn and goose fat until professor Ian Steakhouse invented beef.

The Icelandic economy is entirely based on Björk. If she earns no money they set off volcanoes & hold the world to ransom.

The name 'Archibald' is only given to baby boys with the gene for hereditary baldness {@DNWTSYB}

Pingu is a leading drug czar who's never seen snow in his life. His "snowy" sets on TV are actually huge cocaine stores.

Coconuts are excellent cartographers who explored and mapped most of the planet before humans even discovered boats.

If you wear odd socks you are more likely to be bummed by a giraffe. {@DNWTSYB}

If there is a backlog of letters in your post box - they will be read and replied to by your Post Man. (The helpful Post Man Act 1963) {@TheRealMonika}

Coleslaw contains the genetic code for every living creature in the universe apart from chickens.

Keanu Reeves' facial expressions are both numerous and inspirational... But not in a gay way!! {@DNWTSYB}

Satan's real name is Steve but he changed it because he thought it made him sound too evil.

The hats worn by The Flumps were presents from Bod. (Bod was trying to take the piss!) {@DNWTSYB}

A Mexican wave started in 1968 when Jian Alonso Perez sat on a particularly hot chilli is still going; it was last seen in China.

When you close the fridge door the light bulb feels sad and neglected, so it turns itself off and goes to sleep. {@DNWTSYB}

There are exactly 139 ways to skin a cat and 14 of them involve a used toothbrush. (I need a new toothbrush!)

26^th November

It's Friday, I have facts certified 100% fake. I've been hanging upside-down in a bat cave all week to gather these #FakeFactFriday

Hedgehogs use 90 tonnes of hair spray a year to tease their normally soft flowing hair into the hard spikes we know & love.

Even though planets have the ability to change sex, 89% of the planets in our galaxy are currently female.

My mate Dave can maintain a badger's erection for 11 hours and 3 minutes. {@DNWTSYB}

The latest census found there are 38 werewolves, 14 chimera, 2 super villains & 1 lost chupacabra in London's tube network.

The original surf boards were made from seals with rigor mortis. {@DNWTSYB}

Since June 1995 the highest office in the Canadian fish industry has been held by a brown bear called Isaac.

The most closely guarded secret in fashion is the precise location of the Handbag Plains where wild handbags roam free.

Every self service checkout in the supermarkets has a little Taiwanese person inside that are only let out twice a year.

Stupidity in men is increased by a factor of 2.13 if they wear yesterday’s underwear. {@DNWTSYB}

There's an ancient tribe in the New Forest who's only form of communication is through interpretive dance and willy wanging.

Fluffy earmuffs are made from the bum cheeks of panda bears.

3^rd December

I have spent most of this week up and down the country cunningly disguised as a snowman to bring you another batch of #FakeFactFriday

You would have to feed an elephant 1059 Mars Bars before it exploded, but only 37 Curly Wurlys and 2 cream eggs.

Copper pipe is called so after a policeman was caught smoking tobacco with one. {@DNWTSYB}

All the other light bulbs consider the fluorescent tube light to be the chav of the light bulb world.

Before he was famous Papa Smurf served 15 years of a 25 year sentence for armed robbery and animal cruelty.

If you use a summer fan at the correct angle and running in reverse, it will melt lead. {@DNWTSYB}

Koalas have been known to travel up to 90 miles in one night looking for an all night garage to buy rizla and munchies.

Brian Cant has completed 64% of all the possible combinations of the Rubiks Cube. {@DNWTSYB}

Black holes smell like rancid eggs and vomit mixed with pickled herring and pine trees but they taste of raspberry cheesecake.

Sheep are learning to speak English one word at a time. Unfortunately they are still stuck on trying to say baaaaastard. {@DNWTSYB}

The Serengeti is absolutely smothered in chocolate bar wrappers and bits of exploded elephant.

Converse trainers are worn by the queen every Monday while she does the washing up {@zoeseviltwin}

Chickens that wear leather biker jackets lay the tastiest eggs. {@DNWTSYB}

It took a team of 17 men, 4 horses, a boat and 2 sticks just to catch 1 wild duvet. This is why they started farming them.

Yellow snow is rather refreshing and constitutes one of your 5-a-day! {@DNWTSYB}

If you wear a pair of socks for exactly 173 days 9 hours 31 minutes & 20 seconds they turn into a pint of beer & some nuts.

The letters Y, F, G & D are the most disliked by vowels. {@DNWTSYB}

Despite popular thought and the laws of physics, it is entirely possible to fly a 737 to the moon.

You know those people who NEVER buy a round at the pub? They give all their money to charity. They only appear to be cunts! {@DNWTSYB}

If all the goldfish in the world die, 36% of funfairs would go out of business {@DNWTSYB}

It takes 53 adult gerbils 49 hours in a wheel to power a forklift for an 8 hour shift. {@DNWTSYB}

10^th December

This week I've been hanging around Trafalgar Square dressed as a fairy with a huge tree up my arse just to bring you these #FakeFactFriday

At bus stops the bus will be quicker, cheaper & cleaner the more you manage to block the path from other people getting past.

It takes 1397 ground up dog biscuits to fill an old tin bath. {@DNWTSYB}

According to the Now I'm Elected I Can't Be Arsed act of 1895 politicians must ignore their election pledges once elected.

£1.23 is the amount required to bribe 123% of the world's population. {@DNWTSYB}

Just one tiny drop of Simon Cowell's blood could render the entire planet's supply of water undrinkable for 700 years.

Yetis have embarrassingly tiny feet, but they wear novelty "monster feet" slippers to throw hunters off their trail.

Red hair dye is made from crushed up dog biscuits from an old tin bath. {@DNWTSYB}

Shepherds pies contain exactly 0.39% shepherd. A new shepherd is selected each year to supply the ingredient.

Combining porridge, marmite, a silk worm, and the hormones of a male lobster produces the toughest material in the universe.

Wheelie bins are a passive invasion force gathering information on earth materials. {@DNWTSYB}

Supermarkets in a small village, just north of Oxford, sell jars of pickled cow’s udders. {@DNWTSYB}

17^th December

I have gatecrashed every office Christmas party in the country by hiding inside the photocopiers just so I could overhear these #FakeFactFriday

Lonesome George murdered every other member of his species just so he could have the fame of being the last of his kind.

3D movie glasses can be used to mutate ants and termites into aardvarks. {@DNWTSYB}

Mount Snowdon is the only mountain left on earth that hasn't been hollowed out to make room for an evil genius' secret lair.

Footballs in Russia are made like a Babushka/Matryoshka doll... A ball, in a ball, in a ball, in a ball, etc {@DNWTSYB}

Chickens can 'cluck' more than 332 times in one minute. {@DNWTSYB}

A tribe deep in the Amazonian rain forest is devoted to a religion based entirely on half an episode of Happy Days.

24^th December

{my dad died 2 days previously to this and I had decided to have a break from twitter for a while. Thankfully @DNWTSYB was on hand to keep the tradition going}

Sardines are born in cans. The ones in the sea have been released from their natural habitat, usually down the toilet. {@DNWTSYB}

The most common dish served world wide on Christmas Eve is sea cucumber. {@DNWTSYB}

The ideas behind the atomic bombs and lawnmowers were thought of on the toilet. {@DNWTSYB}

31^st December

2010 brought us the invention of sliced bread... The best thing since ciabatta. {@DNWTSYB}

7^th January

 {and I’m back}

As I haven't done any for two weeks I am being forced at gun point (ok, water pistol point) to bring you this week’s batch of #FakeFactFriday

Chinese whispers started as Swiss yodelling but things got confused by the time it reached England and the rest is history.

Wearing hoop earrings with a diameter of more than 3.753cm increase the chances of survival in a plane crash. {@DNWTSYB}

The hot beverage war of 1579 was won when tea launched a sneak attack during a break. Coffee has been bitter ever since.

The longest recorded flight by a chicken is 1.45 hours from a KFC near Heathrow airport to an undisclosed location in Europe. {@DNWTSYB}

#FakeFactFriday causes RSI but temporarily relieves the symptoms of Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. {@DNWTSYB}

Before it can be shipped from the factory, superglue has to have its cape and underpants forcibly removed by a Lutherbot.

In the distant future someone will travel back in time and sink the Titanic so James Cameron could make a film about it. {@DNWTSYB}

Beneath every traffic island is a tiny traffic volcano.

The bark of a Yorkshire terrier is known to reduce the suffering of hypochondriacs. {@DNWTSYB}

The see and the saw were developed as 2 separate projects; it was 55 years later that someone joined them to make the seesaw.

The delicious Doner kebabs seen rotating in shops worldwide were originally elephant legs left over from the ivory trade. {@DNWTSYB}

Tommy Cooper (R.I.P.) is the Queens brother. He turned down the crown to concentrate on entertaining with his comedy genius. {@DNWTSYB}

Apples are the diplomats of the vegetation world. All plants refer to their judgement in any dispute.

Polka dots on socks make you run 43.6% faster than stripes, but on shoes it's the other way round.

There's an app that will covert your iPhone into tin opener @ £0.99. {@TheRealMonika}

In fact there's an app for everything. {@TheRealMonika}

14^th January

{this day just happened to be my dad’s funeral but I decided to carry on with the fake facts. Then the now becoming legendary @DNWTSYB came up with the idea of combining the #FakeFactFriday with #AFineMan which was an idea I loved. I am going to lead this section with these and leave the hash tags in}

Mr Stan Mitchell (RIP) from England was the first man to climb Everest while using helium gas for comedy effect! #FakeFactFriday #AFineMan {@DNWTSYB}

Mr Stan Mitchell (RIP) once entered and won a three legged race... By himself!! #FakeFactFriday #AFineMan {@DNWTSYB}

Mr Stan Mitchell (RIP) was 13 foot 5 inches tall but made himself look smaller so as not to intimidate others. #FakeFactFriday #AFineMan

Mr Stan Mitchell (RIP) built a life size replica of the Cutty Sark using Ice lolly sticks. (It was a HOT summer!) #FakeFactFriday #AFineMan {@DNWTSYB}

Mr Stan Mitchell (RIP) was the man behind 93% of the innuendo in the Carry On films. #FakeFactFriday #AFineMan {@DNWTSYB}

Mr Stan Mitchell (RIP) could leap tall buildings in a single bound but NEVER wore his underpants on the outside. #FakeFactFriday #AFineMan

Mr Stan Mitchell (RIP) once swam the entire Pacific Ocean underwater and only came up for air once. #FakeFactFriday #AFineMan

Mr Stan Mitchell (RIP) taught Sid James his famous laugh. #FakeFactFriday #AFineMan {@DNWTSYB}

This entire week I have completely deprived myself of sleep just so I could bring this batch of #FakeFactFriday

Due to a mix up at the International Clocks & Calendars Commission the years 1723 to 1739 have been repeated three times.

Contrary to popular belief money does grow on trees. They're called Milliows and grow on the islands of the Kiddin archipelago. {@TheRealMonika}

The "running of the bulls" in Pamplona was originally the "gentle stroll of the gerbils" but was changed to attract tourists.

You can find your way out of every maze by always taking the left turn, with your right foot first and facing east. {@TheRealMonika}

One day they will dig up twitter and proclaim our #FakeFactFriday their Bible. {@TheRealMonika}

5000 golems were made in Prague during WW2 for the war effort but were never put into use. They're still buried there today.

Planes don't actually fly - due to fuel prices is not economically viable anymore. All that we see in the night sky are holograms. {@TheRealMonika}

The so called take off is nicely put together simulator effects and bad acting. The same goes for landing. {@TheRealMonika}

If you plant a light bulb in just the right kind of soil you will grow light tulips.

There's only 89% of sugar in sugar. The rest is a mixture of colorants, preservatives, perfume and sweeteners. {@TheRealMonika}

21^st January

I have been disguised as a baby and throwing my toys about just so that I could glean for you this weeks batch of #FakeFactFriday

Bears don't actually shit in the woods. They shit into parcels and send them to the pope who then buries them in the desert.

The speed of sound is amplified if you tell the world to keep quiet. {@zoeseviltwin}

The spin of the earth is directly affected by sneezes, the counter affect is yawning. For every sneeze there must be a yawn.

If all the woman in the world went shoe shopping at the same time, the global recession would be over forever! {@DNWTSYB}

Homeopathy is a leading form of medicine and its practitioners are respected scientists capable of rational thought.

It is totally possible for a man to look at a topless woman from only the neck up. {@DNWTSYB}

There is a racehorse called 'Sausage.' unfortunately, no-one wants to be its jockey. {@DNWTSYB}

Strippers hold the secret to world peace but the secret can only be obtained by gathering 7599 of them in one small tent.

All top hats are made with a rabbit already inside; they eat dandruff, and die of starvation if the hat is not worn enough.

A time machine built in Jamaica is fuelled by the delicious Red Stripe beer. (Sadly, they have none as I keep drinking it) {@DNWTSYB}

Chocolate is going to replace the pound next year in Wales only as they have run out of leeks. {@zoeseviltwin}

It was a one handed man that invented clapping. {@DNWTSYB}

Whatever the question is the answer can always be found by adding your date of birth to something.

Beer drinking is not only good for you; it's tippytoptastic for your dancing skills. {@DNWTSYB}

There is a man in Mongolia who has only ever worn a velvet lined codpiece and assless chaps. {@DNWTSYB}

Putting malt vinegar on your chips/fries lengthens your nasal hair by 13%. {@DNWTSYB}

If every mobile phone on the planet rang at exactly the same time the noise created would shift us into another dimension.

The world’s longest straw is 161 metres long. Only three people have managed to suck hard enough to get a refreshing drink. {@DNWTSYB}

To learn a language you only need a case of beer from that country... And enough time to drink them. {@DNWTSYB}

The world WILL end precisely at midnight on 21/12/2012 but restart 1 picosecond later as if nothing had happened.

Smoke detectors acknowledge farts but refuse to laugh at them! {@DNWTSYB}

Blood Test

I am a regular blood donor, I first gave blood in October 1995, and over the past sixteen years I have given just over thirty donations. I’ve seen a few changes to the donor process in that time, and I have been needled by veteran and novice arm jabbers alike. I have even, on at least one occasion, been the very first arm that a newbie has been let loose on. Yet in all that time, and all those donations, no matter who has administered to me, or their level of experience, I have never had a single problem. I’ve never had any bruising, bleeding, or dizziness, and I’ve never felt any residual pain. The reason for this may be because I have, as I’m told on almost every occasion, “very good veins” or, as they’re apparently known to the donor carers, “superhighways”. Basically my veins stick out... a lot, they are very prominent, very easy to find, and very easy to stick a needle in. So for me giving blood is such an easy business that I’ve forgotten about having a needle stuck in my arm by the time I’m at the refreshment table stuffing my face with tea, biscuits and crisps... mainly crisps actually, I do prefer my snacks to be savoury.

This morning though I had to see the practice nurse at my GP so she could take a small blood test that my doctor has requested. After the obligatory overly long wait in the waiting room, which I suppose they have to get their money’s worth from; they’ve paid for a waiting room and, by the waiting room gods, people are going to wait in it, I was called into the nurse’s office. I entered her office, we exchanged traditional morning greetings, I didn’t mention that she appeared to have a large chunk of lawn stuck to the heal of her shoe, I sat down, she said something about not knowing what the doctor’s comment on my notes meant and promptly left the room for five minutes. Apparently my wait in the waiting room had not been long enough so I was treated to a little extra impromptu wait, but of course I wasn’t in the waiting room so would it count towards their waiting room wait quota for the day? I can only surmise that the nurse herself went and stood in the waiting room for those five minutes to act as a proxy waiter.

With the waiting all done, and the waiting room gods satisfied, the nurse re-entered the room, assembled all the blood testing paraphernalia and said ‘ok, let’s try and find a vein’. I offered out my arm. ‘Very good veins’ she said. ‘So I’ve been told’ I replied. She jabbed the needle in and pushed down on the blood collection tube which immediately began to fill with my blood. Within seconds we were done, no problems whatsoever. She removed the blood collection tube and grabbed a ball of cotton wool. I know from my blood donor sessions that the next step is that she places the cotton wool ball over the entry point of the needle, removes the needle from my arm, and I firmly press the cotton wool down on my arm to stop any bleeding. All well and good, only, before removing the needle, and for reasons only known to herself, the nurse decided to sharply jab it further in causing a sudden jolt of pain to shoot right up my arm to my shoulder. I left that surgery in a lot of pain, and completely unable to bend my arm for about half an hour. Even now, twelve hours later, I still have quite a bit of pain in my arm, and for the first time in more than thirty incidents of having blood taken from my arm I have been left with a bruise.

The next time my doctor wants a blood test from me he’ll have to wait until my next blood donor session and I’ll ask them to take an extra sample for him. That vicious little, lawn stomping nurse is never getting a needle near my arm again.