Blasphemy with a Capital H

I should start this blog with a serious warning: If you are in any way religious and are offended by anyone not taking your religion seriously then DO NOT read this blog. This blog is extremely blasphemous, and just by reading it you are risking a one way trip to whatever hell you believe in, but at least I’ll be there to greet you on arrival, I’ll keep a beer cold for you.

I’m not in any way a religious man. I don’t believe in any gods, although I have invented a few. Even so, I am not opposed to the odd bit of theological thought, and recently I’ve found myself wondering where the ‘H’ in the popular profanity ‘Jesus H Christ’ comes from. What possible reason could anyone have for putting it there? I can’t imagine there has ever been a time when there were so many Jesus Christs kicking about the place that the biblical protagonist would need to be made to stand out by placing an extraneous H in his name.

“JESUS CHRIST!” somebody would profane.

“The butcher?” his friend would ask.

“The baker?” another would suggest.

“The table leg maker?” a third would interrupt.

“The table leg maker?” the others would say “His name’s Joseph you fool.”

“Sorry I got confused.” the interrupter would reply.

“No,” the original profaner would explain “I was referring to Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Saviour.”

“Oh!” the gathered group would say “If only there was some way to distinguish between all these damn Jesus Christs.” they’d all agree, as the butcher and baker – but not the table leg maker who’s name was Joseph – would come running along to see why they were called.

“Our Lord and Saviour is holy right?” a wise old fisherman, who up until this point had been hiding quietly in the shadows listening, would say “So why don’t we call him Jesus HOLY Christ, or ‘H’ for short?”

“You are indeed wise, old fisherman. That is what we shall do.” everyone would say, inexplicably in unison.

The above scenario may well have happened, but I doubt that that would have been the end of it. Sooner or later other Jesus Holy (‘H’ for short) Christs would’ve turned up, forcing another name to be added, and then another, and another, and so on until he’s got more names than an indecisive football fanatic's first born.

Maybe Jesus Christ was an experimental clone attempt. Jesus ‘H’ was a resounding success; practically perfect in every way, but before him there were several Jesus Christs that hadn’t quite worked. Jesus ‘A’ in a fit of teenage rebellion changed his name to Mohamed and ran off to start his own religion. Jesus ‘B’ turned out to be little more than a dribbling mass of practically brainless meat that would clap and laugh hysterically every time he farted. Although two thousand years later his descendents would go on to become somewhat successful in American politics. Jesus ‘C’ had the personality of an extremely bland potato, but for some reason was quite good at chasing a spherical object around a field. Jesus ‘D’ spontaneously combusted, leaving nothing more than a stain on a shroud. Jesus ‘E’ became the anti-Jesus, the evil twin that always crops up in these situations. Jesus ‘F’ spent his entire time preoccupied with copying his image into various inanimate objects, foodstuffs being his favourite. Jesus ‘G’ was perfect. Even more compassionate, considerate, intelligent and giving than Jesus ‘H’. In fact vastly superior to Jesus ‘H’ every aspect, except for a strange quirk of chromosomes which meant that he was a woman and therefore completely unsuitable.

It could just be that the ‘H’ was added to try and make him look cool. Christian churches are forever unsuccessfully trying to make their religion appear to be cool in a desperate attempt to attract a younger following. The problem is the centuries old methods of brainwashing and instilling fear, although still very much in use, are no longer enough to ensure a life long devotion. Now those pesky upstarts: science, logic, and common sense get in the way of a good indoctrination. On top of that, globalisation has increased the competition from other religions, many of which come with their own enticing brand of unquestionable dogma. Killing people for not believing in your chosen, or instilled, set of religious beliefs tends to be frowned upon nowadays as well. What used to be lovingly referred to as a wholly acceptable crusade, or inquisition, is now just known as genocide, or terrorism. And these are very negative words that just won’t do for a religious corporation to be associated with; it’s very bad for business. In the modern world of multi media and global enterprise, successful branding is all about being cool. All the religions are at it. Type “cool [any religion]” into a search engine and you’ll get hundreds of sites, blogs and forums dedicated to convincing you why that particular religion is so damn cool. Christians do seem to take it to a whole different level though, with Christian pop, rock, metal, and hip hop all trying, and failing dismally, to show how cool Christianity is. But of course Christians have already made Jesus Christ as cool as they can by referring to him as “JC”. Shoving an ‘H’ in the middle isn’t going to make it sound any cooler, but will make it sound like a fast food outlet... Jerked Hickory Chicken anyone?

There is a distinct possibility that the 'H' stands for horny. Jesus Christ is believed to have died sometime in his early thirties and it is also believed he died a virgin. If you consider that in biblical times, people started "begetting" each other when they were barely into their teens, this means Jesus had practically twenty years of pent up sexual frustration by the time he started preaching. Most men can hardly go twenty hours without some form of sexual release. Teenage boys can’t even manage to walk down the street without a hand down the front of their jogging pants, having a little fiddle. But of course, for Jesus, even spilling his seed was not an option. You can only conclude, what with the bible being smothered in sex, debauchery and prostitution, that Jesus Christ, smack bang in the middle of it all, was one hell of a horny bastard.

I think I should point out at this stage, in regard to the above paragraph, that I am parodying the simple, and often confused, version of biblical history that a vast number of people are lazily taught to believe. I am aware, firstly, that in all likelihood Jesus probably was married and definitely not a virgin. And secondly, that the “spilling seed on the ground” quote has got nothing to do with masturbation at all. The bible doesn’t actually give an opinion, one way or the other, on masturbation. As long as you don’t do it while coveting your neighbour’s ox.

I should also point out that I am fully aware of the actual theories of where the ‘H’ in Jesus H Christ came from, but that doesn’t stop me coming up with my own, and to be honest, I prefer mine.

Raging Insomnia

There is an idiom that seems to have become very popular over the last year or two and, like many things do, it drives me absolutely nuts. Every time I hear it, or see it written down, a rage builds within me and I am compelled to internally rant to myself. Mentally pacing up and down, gesticulating wildly, while I sternly lecture an imagined gathering of offenders on the error of their ways. I am referring to the colloquialism “sleeps until...” I’m not even sure why I hate it so much. It’s probably that it sounds quite childish. I'll be the first to admit that I can be somewhat immature in my humour, but I'm an adult and I talk like one. This is more like baby talk, and I’ve never been a fan of that. I’m not talking about the baby talk that adults do to babies; the “googoo gaga” kind of gobbledygook, although even that winds me up a little bit. No I’m talking about the kind that adults do to other adults. That supposedly flirtatious baby talk someone might do in an effort to manipulate another person, normally of the opposite sex, to do a favour for them. “Would oo do me a ickle favour pwease?” I know that quite a few people, particularly men, tend to be suckers for that kind of shit, and I’ve seen guys go all googly eyed and jelly kneed when it’s used on them. I guess it’s meant to produce an instinct to protect and nurture, but it just makes me want to punch them in the face. I haven’t as yet punched anyone in the face for it; normally I’ll just agree to do the favour on the condition that they never speak to me like that again.

To me the puerile phrase "sleeps until..." also represents the apparent dumbing down of society as a whole. It’s something that parents say to very young children who maybe don’t quite understand the passage of time yet; a child may not fully comprehend minutes, hours, days, and weeks, but it sure as hell knows what sleep is. Eat, shit, and sleep are an instinctive part of every animal on the planet. So I can understand telling an excited child they’ve got six more sleeps until they go to Disneyland to be scared shitless by an eight foot tall mouse with a penchant for nipple high red shorts. It’s something we’re meant to grow out of though. Our language is supposed to become more complex as our cognitive development advances. Surely as adults we can find ways to express our excitement for an upcoming event without resorting to such childish measures.

There are even apps for smart phones, dozens of them that will tell you how many “sleeps” there are to any event you care to programme in. There are more than ten of them dedicated purely to telling you the amount of “sleeps” you have until Christmas. Most of these apps are free, but a couple actually cost money. One of these, simply titled "Sleeps to Christmas" (Obviously you don't want to be too esoteric for your core customer base), has a description on its info page that starts as follows:

"Excited about Christmas?

We are! We love to keep track of exactly how long it is until Christmas day.

That’s why we created Sleeps To Christmas!”

This particular app has over five hundred reviews, meaning that more than five hundred people have handed over 69p to own an app that tells them “exactly” when Christmas is. What kind of people would need this app? If today is the 18^th November I can tell, using my quite average powers of deduction, that Christmas day is “exactly” 37 days away, regardless of how many sleeps I have. The key to achieving this unremarkable feat is to remember that Christmas day is, and has been for just over sixteen centuries, always on the 25^th of December. And if, as is quite often the case, I don't know what day I'm actually in, I can take a quick look at a calendar. The things have been around in one form or another, letting people know just how many “sleeps until”, for several millennia.

There’s also the issue of what actually constitutes a "sleep". I'm partial, if unrestricted by work or other responsibilities, to a bit of a nap late of an afternoon. When I'm on holiday particularly, having got up reasonably early so as to make the most of any breakfast included in the price of a hotel, I'll spend the best part of the day doing my thing; exploring, sightseeing, or interacting with the locals to see what interesting situations I can get myself into. Then I’ll go back to the hotel for a two or three hour sleep before heading out to find somewhere to have dinner. And I do mean sleep. This is no half hearted nap or snooze. I’m not just noncommittally resting my eyes. I’m talking about a full blown, deep and comfortable sleep. Telling people I’ll be on holiday for twenty-eight sleeps may sound impressive but it’s still only fourteen days. And it’s not just me; many people take a nap during the day, from young children to OAPs. Does Christmas come quicker for these people due to their increased sleep schedule? Do insomniacs have to celebrate events long after everyone else once they’ve caught up on the specified amount of sleeps? It seems a bit cruel really, and telling someone who suffers from insomnia that there are only three sleeps until Festival of Sleep Day would quite frankly just be rubbing their noses in it. (Festival of Sleep Day is an actual holiday, taking place every year on the 3^rd of January. Look it up).

As a method of time measurement “sleeps” is wildly inaccurate. Okay, I know it’s not meant to be taken literally and is just a replacement for “days”, but then why not just say days? Other words are get pointlessly shortened like "lol" "OMG" or "amaze", so why decide to use a longer word in place of days? Just to get sidetracked slightly, what the fuck is "amaze"? Where did that come from? When did we start lobbing off the end of words? What exactly are we meant to get from missing out a syllable or two? Whenever I hear someone say "amaze" I just want to scream at them “No, that's not amaze. A complex series of pathways with dead end branches designed to disorientated and confuse, THAT'S a maze. The word I think you are looking for is amazING!” while banging their head against a wall on every syllable. While I’m on the subject: “totes”, “deets”, "delish" and “redic” can all fuck the fuck off too.

I need to lie down. I’m off for a sleep.